love & babies

i spoke with hoda today, who mamita asked me to talk to as a counsellor of sorts, and as someone she trusts to give me sound advice ~ hoda is an amazing woman and i truly admire her... es muy inteligente, muy capaz, muy perspicaz... me hablo sin barreras, sin censurar lo que estaba pensando, y fue una conversacion buenisima... le conte que estaba conociendo a alguien, y que mi mami me habia pedido que hablara con ella para ver lo que ella pensaba sobre los matrimonios que ocurren en el BWC... she had some very interesting things to say... she started out saying that she's spoken with several house members about this topic, and that one of them mentioned to her that the divorce rate among those who marry at the world centre is lower than that of the "outside world" (1/3 vs 1/2). not what i imagined-- i guess you just hear more about divorces that occur here, and people tend to blame having met in this surreal place as a reason for their separation... anyway, she also said it was important to analyze the person's motives for wanting to marry (both your own and the person you're considering)... which was interesting, because although i have steered clear of the obvious wife-hunters (and believe me, there are plenty of them here!), i hadn't thought what my own motives might be... for about a year now i've when i pray, or make a wish on a star or silly things like that, i always ask for "love and babies"... love and babies.... and i have often had a feeling (a nice one, at that) that even though what i'm asking for is romantic love and babies that are born of that love, that i would be amazingly happy even if the answer to that prayer was the love i recieve from my sisters and to help them with their babies. truly.

and now, as the possibility for love and babies of my own exists... i feel this bizarre mixture of peace with excitement and elation... and sadness as well, that this is a fresh start, and not the continuation of my story with pancho. i feel strange mostly for imagining a life with patrik and looking forward to it, when i was so sure before that the only future for me was with pancho. how can any of this be fair to patrik, who is so willing to love me and all my burdens and to help me carry them through life, but who may not understand just how heavy and difficult they are...

i've accepted that life isn't easy, and that darkness follows light and light follows darkness... so i'm scared, i really am, of having my wish of love and babies come true, if it can all be taken away... i'm trying to acknowledge this fear, so that i can counter it with a stronger feeling of hope...

this got long all of a sudden, i guess i had more to say than i realized ~ back to what hoda said... she said (as did mami) that time will tell if the intensity of emotion that is felt from being in this instense surreal world is real or not... she said that, because her marriage failed, she feels that the best partner is someone who you are truly comfortable, who is a good friend who supports you emotionally... she said that it's important to not marry just out of the immense pressure young baha'is feel to do so, and that, especially here, to be with someone who you would have noticed back home as well...

and then, after all her warnings and "don'ts", she said with a big smile to enjoy this, to live it fully , see where it goes, and not to worry :D

good lady, that hoda!